Three.

Annoyingly I wrote all of this last night but the internet cut out so Blogger didn't save nearly as much as I thought it did. =( Oh well, let's have another go...

I meant to do this after counselling on Friday but I've just been so busy revising and stuff. Not having fun but at least I am distracted from everything when I'm despairing over not being able to do maths. It's just annoying when my inability to sleep or eat properly interferes with my ability to work. =(

On the plus side, I've had a pretty good few days. Felt really comfortable with Andrew's friends recently, which is a bit weird since they know what we've done. But then I guess when you think about it, if they haven't judged me for that I guess I've felt a bit more able to relax and just be Rachel without worrying about the reaction. It feels nice, to be free.

So counselling on Friday was better than expected, although clearly still awkward since I was speaking to a woman I've never seen before in my life about weird stuff. We mostly talked about what we could start doing in my next session next week, because by then exams will be over and I can focus on getting better. On the way home I bumped into Ben and if felt good to tell him I had been to counselling. I don't want to be ashamed of it. He gave me a big hug and said well done. =)

Then later that afternoon I went to James' and he fed me the biggest meal I have eaten in a long time. Although I felt a bit sick, it was actually worth it cause the food just tasted so good, and it was really lovely of him. We went to see Up at the Uni, meeting up with the other 2 guys we're living with next year, so that was nice, for the 4 of us to be there. Also, I'd never seen the film before and it was super cute and I really enjoyed it. =)

Saturday I spent revising at home because I really wasn't in the mood to see anyone or even leave the house. I ended up leaving at about 8pm to go to Londis for some chocolate, extremely necessary for revision. =P In my slippers and half pajamas of course, with no make up on, and my hair completely natural! =P

Sunday was spent in the library, revising stats with various people, and was quite productive but I'm really not looking forward to the exam. There is only one past paper so I feel I don't know all the things which could come up in the exam, and so I'm not sure what to prepare. =( Today I'm back to the library, feeling like I want these exams to just end so that I can try to sort out this mess I made.

I'm not okay, Andrew's not okay, and Tyler is definitely not okay, so hopefully after exams I can start working on that.

Two.

Met up with James today which was nice. I have felt very distant from him ever since this whole thing with Andrew started. I never meant to have a crush on anyone but it just happened, and lonely and miserable as I was I just acted on it without realisation.

Thinking about it now it doesn't feel like it was me doing it. But that's something else entirely. Basically, since it started, I think James felt like Andrew was taking his place a bit as the best friend, when it was actually something quite different. Now that the truth has come out and I can be honest with James, I feel a lot better. He is a great friend to me. He has got me through this year, I am 100% certain that I would have dropped out had I not had him.

He just came here to do a bit of revision for Mathematical Modelling and then we popped into Portswood for a coffee. And I paid for a regular and was given a large so... can't complain. =)

I also got a long awaited call from the University Counselling service today, who have given me 3 sessions. I'm so glad. I saw them in January I think it was, and since then have been on the waiting list. Granted, I think that my need is less urgent now than it was then, but I still would like to talk to them. Maybe next year I can sort something so I go to see them once a month, or every 2 months. Not too often, but it will be nice to have that extra support.

Don't get me wrong, it makes me very uncomfortable, but from experience, it does really help me. Just because I don't feel I can tell some things to people I care about, because I don't want to hurt or upset them.

So yes, not particularly interesting, but possibly worth documenting. In other news, Facebook has locked me out which is partly a good thing since I will be forced to revise, but it also means I can't ask people for help on Facebook. =(

One.

Wow, so this feels weird. I haven't blogged in a long time. Not since I've been at Uni, I don't think. Which is weird seeing as it probably would have been useful. I've felt so shit ever since I moved to this stupid city. I guess there's nothing particularly wrong with it just... I don't know.

So anyway, I thought I would try to get back into this again, seeing as I'm finding it harder and harder to feel I can express myself to people, and the urge to cut is forever increasing because of this.

I don't want this blog to be a negative one. Some of my old blogs were horrible, it pains me to read them now and see just how pessimistic and cynical I was. But at the same time it is kind of nice to realise how much I have grown as a person, and remember how much I have been through, and hope that I am a better, stronger person for it.

I'm not sure how often I will be posting, or even if anyone will notice this suddenly pop up. This is for me, not you, but if you are reading then thank you, and you are welcome to accompany me on my journey.

Where am I going? I can't say. But I hope it's somewhere sunny. <3