Eight.

How can you suppress the feelings you have for someone when they are so strong? When they just reoccur no matter what you try to do and though despite resistance in the form of worry from that person which causes them to freak out and hide... you still can't stop trying, stop caring, stop waiting. Waiting for them to be okay, to emerge from the shadows, to remember and acknowledge your existence and waiting for them to maybe one day feel for you a fraction of what you feel for them?

I'm trying so hard to just be a friend but I feel I could so easily slip beyond that without even realising. More than I have already.

And what if that person is in a situation which prevents them from being able to be truly honest. How can you tell what they are thinking with neither confirmation or rejection?

Seven.

I hate my body so much. People say there's nothing wrong with it but it just doesn't make me feel any better. I hate looking at myself so much. Got out the bath and saw my reflection and just started crying and I can't stop. And then my belly started wobbling as I cried and it made it even worse.

I want to be okay. I want to not hate myself. I want to be happy with what I am but I can't. I know I'm not that fat. But I'm so much bigger that I want to be. I want to be skinny. Why do some people get to be naturally skinny and I get to be this?! ='/

How do I feel okay? I hate being here. I'm putting on weight from eating out of guilt. I feel sick all the time from eating food. I want to live by myself again so I can hide and do what I want. ='(

Six.

Guilt: why do I feel it for absolutely everything I do? I just can't avoid it. It seems like some people can just do whatever they want, so why can't I have that? Every time I have to made some kind of decision, even stupid things like if I'm going to eat... I just think way too much about the consequences and...

Gah! I am sitting here feeling so fucking guilty for having eaten what I have today. I feel gross. But I only ate what I did because if I didn't I would have felt so guilty to my mum.

Guilt is a horrible feeling. And the amount I feel has no correlation to the magnitude of the effects. I felt very little for cheating on my boyfriend and yet I eat 2 meals in a day and want to die. I'm doing my best to eat but I don't know how to make this ache leave me alone. The other night I felt so disgusting, I put on my corset to push all the fat in and hide it from me. I never wanted to take it off. ='(

I feel guilty if I sit at home with not much to do but if I go out I feel guilty for spending money.

I feel guilty if I don't cook and stuff but when I do I feel I am in the way and people might prefer me to go back to Uni. =(

I'm doing my best to get some work because I feel guilty I haven't been able to get any yet. I want to go back full time to Sainsbury's so badly but I can't because they can't afford to have someone else at the moment, despite being short staffed. =(

My mum asked what I want for my birthday but I don't feel I deserve much. I feel like a big fat waste of money.

Five.

Back at home now, living with my family. It's nice, and they're amazing but... I feel I have absolutely no control over anything. I want to cut, I want to stop eating, I just want to be in charge and do what I want but I know I shouldn't, I know it's stupid, I...

I don't know. Andrew says good things about me but they're clearly all the wrong things because nothing I can do can make him truly like me. Unrequited love hurts.

Four.

Wow, been absent a long time. I've been having issues with someone who has managed to get into my accounts for things. They've found their way into my Hotmail, my Facebook and my Dailybooth so I've been a frantic mess of changing passwords a lot and finding that didn't help but trying again anyway and... I basically ended up not being able to log into Blogger cause I couldn't remember the password in the big mess of passwords, lol, and it wouldn't let me reset it because I've done that a lot recently.

It feels weird that someone has taken the time to get into all of my accounts. Passwords seem irrelevant. And they are someone who knows me fairly well since they are pretending to be me and sending messages to my recent ex. Really hurtful messages. And they seem to know a lot about my current situation which is disturbing since they must be a fairly good "friend". =(

It's hard to know who to trust. I can't imagine any of the people I trust doing something like that. There has been nothing as far as I know for a few days so I'm hoping it has stopped now. It's horrible knowing there's not much I can do short of blaming everyone and deleting all my accounts which seems a bit drastic.

Three.

Annoyingly I wrote all of this last night but the internet cut out so Blogger didn't save nearly as much as I thought it did. =( Oh well, let's have another go...

I meant to do this after counselling on Friday but I've just been so busy revising and stuff. Not having fun but at least I am distracted from everything when I'm despairing over not being able to do maths. It's just annoying when my inability to sleep or eat properly interferes with my ability to work. =(

On the plus side, I've had a pretty good few days. Felt really comfortable with Andrew's friends recently, which is a bit weird since they know what we've done. But then I guess when you think about it, if they haven't judged me for that I guess I've felt a bit more able to relax and just be Rachel without worrying about the reaction. It feels nice, to be free.

So counselling on Friday was better than expected, although clearly still awkward since I was speaking to a woman I've never seen before in my life about weird stuff. We mostly talked about what we could start doing in my next session next week, because by then exams will be over and I can focus on getting better. On the way home I bumped into Ben and if felt good to tell him I had been to counselling. I don't want to be ashamed of it. He gave me a big hug and said well done. =)

Then later that afternoon I went to James' and he fed me the biggest meal I have eaten in a long time. Although I felt a bit sick, it was actually worth it cause the food just tasted so good, and it was really lovely of him. We went to see Up at the Uni, meeting up with the other 2 guys we're living with next year, so that was nice, for the 4 of us to be there. Also, I'd never seen the film before and it was super cute and I really enjoyed it. =)

Saturday I spent revising at home because I really wasn't in the mood to see anyone or even leave the house. I ended up leaving at about 8pm to go to Londis for some chocolate, extremely necessary for revision. =P In my slippers and half pajamas of course, with no make up on, and my hair completely natural! =P

Sunday was spent in the library, revising stats with various people, and was quite productive but I'm really not looking forward to the exam. There is only one past paper so I feel I don't know all the things which could come up in the exam, and so I'm not sure what to prepare. =( Today I'm back to the library, feeling like I want these exams to just end so that I can try to sort out this mess I made.

I'm not okay, Andrew's not okay, and Tyler is definitely not okay, so hopefully after exams I can start working on that.

Two.

Met up with James today which was nice. I have felt very distant from him ever since this whole thing with Andrew started. I never meant to have a crush on anyone but it just happened, and lonely and miserable as I was I just acted on it without realisation.

Thinking about it now it doesn't feel like it was me doing it. But that's something else entirely. Basically, since it started, I think James felt like Andrew was taking his place a bit as the best friend, when it was actually something quite different. Now that the truth has come out and I can be honest with James, I feel a lot better. He is a great friend to me. He has got me through this year, I am 100% certain that I would have dropped out had I not had him.

He just came here to do a bit of revision for Mathematical Modelling and then we popped into Portswood for a coffee. And I paid for a regular and was given a large so... can't complain. =)

I also got a long awaited call from the University Counselling service today, who have given me 3 sessions. I'm so glad. I saw them in January I think it was, and since then have been on the waiting list. Granted, I think that my need is less urgent now than it was then, but I still would like to talk to them. Maybe next year I can sort something so I go to see them once a month, or every 2 months. Not too often, but it will be nice to have that extra support.

Don't get me wrong, it makes me very uncomfortable, but from experience, it does really help me. Just because I don't feel I can tell some things to people I care about, because I don't want to hurt or upset them.

So yes, not particularly interesting, but possibly worth documenting. In other news, Facebook has locked me out which is partly a good thing since I will be forced to revise, but it also means I can't ask people for help on Facebook. =(