Six.

Guilt: why do I feel it for absolutely everything I do? I just can't avoid it. It seems like some people can just do whatever they want, so why can't I have that? Every time I have to made some kind of decision, even stupid things like if I'm going to eat... I just think way too much about the consequences and...

Gah! I am sitting here feeling so fucking guilty for having eaten what I have today. I feel gross. But I only ate what I did because if I didn't I would have felt so guilty to my mum.

Guilt is a horrible feeling. And the amount I feel has no correlation to the magnitude of the effects. I felt very little for cheating on my boyfriend and yet I eat 2 meals in a day and want to die. I'm doing my best to eat but I don't know how to make this ache leave me alone. The other night I felt so disgusting, I put on my corset to push all the fat in and hide it from me. I never wanted to take it off. ='(

I feel guilty if I sit at home with not much to do but if I go out I feel guilty for spending money.

I feel guilty if I don't cook and stuff but when I do I feel I am in the way and people might prefer me to go back to Uni. =(

I'm doing my best to get some work because I feel guilty I haven't been able to get any yet. I want to go back full time to Sainsbury's so badly but I can't because they can't afford to have someone else at the moment, despite being short staffed. =(

My mum asked what I want for my birthday but I don't feel I deserve much. I feel like a big fat waste of money.

Five.

Back at home now, living with my family. It's nice, and they're amazing but... I feel I have absolutely no control over anything. I want to cut, I want to stop eating, I just want to be in charge and do what I want but I know I shouldn't, I know it's stupid, I...

I don't know. Andrew says good things about me but they're clearly all the wrong things because nothing I can do can make him truly like me. Unrequited love hurts.

Four.

Wow, been absent a long time. I've been having issues with someone who has managed to get into my accounts for things. They've found their way into my Hotmail, my Facebook and my Dailybooth so I've been a frantic mess of changing passwords a lot and finding that didn't help but trying again anyway and... I basically ended up not being able to log into Blogger cause I couldn't remember the password in the big mess of passwords, lol, and it wouldn't let me reset it because I've done that a lot recently.

It feels weird that someone has taken the time to get into all of my accounts. Passwords seem irrelevant. And they are someone who knows me fairly well since they are pretending to be me and sending messages to my recent ex. Really hurtful messages. And they seem to know a lot about my current situation which is disturbing since they must be a fairly good "friend". =(

It's hard to know who to trust. I can't imagine any of the people I trust doing something like that. There has been nothing as far as I know for a few days so I'm hoping it has stopped now. It's horrible knowing there's not much I can do short of blaming everyone and deleting all my accounts which seems a bit drastic.