Gah! I am sitting here feeling so fucking guilty for having eaten what I have today. I feel gross. But I only ate what I did because if I didn't I would have felt so guilty to my mum.
Guilt is a horrible feeling. And the amount I feel has no correlation to the magnitude of the effects. I felt very little for cheating on my boyfriend and yet I eat 2 meals in a day and want to die. I'm doing my best to eat but I don't know how to make this ache leave me alone. The other night I felt so disgusting, I put on my corset to push all the fat in and hide it from me. I never wanted to take it off. ='(
I feel guilty if I sit at home with not much to do but if I go out I feel guilty for spending money.
I feel guilty if I don't cook and stuff but when I do I feel I am in the way and people might prefer me to go back to Uni. =(
I'm doing my best to get some work because I feel guilty I haven't been able to get any yet. I want to go back full time to Sainsbury's so badly but I can't because they can't afford to have someone else at the moment, despite being short staffed. =(
My mum asked what I want for my birthday but I don't feel I deserve much. I feel like a big fat waste of money.
I agree guilt is horrible. I have the same capacity to feel guilty about pretty much anything. I remember that conflict of feeling guilty for hurting your parents when you don't eat and then feeling guilty if you do. Seeing as you're going to feel guilty either way the best thing to do is to eat (which you did today which is fantastic!). Each time I did it I found the guilt got a little bit less until it just became a habit and I didn't think about it so much. You need to remember you've got a warped perception of your own body, when that little voice in your head tells you you're fat you need to know it's lying. You are NOT fat. I wish you would change your user name because it's all lies. A girl I knew when I was in recovery said that you won't feel like you're worth anything until you start treating yourself like you are. I very much doubt that your family are thinking all the things you think they are. They love you unconditionally. I know how frustrating job hunting is right now, no one's really getting jobs. But lovely you are ill, the most important thing you can do this summer is spend time looking after yourself and getting better. It won't always feel like this, I promise. You're doing really well, I'm proud of you for eating. Keep going beautiful, love you xxxx
ReplyDeleteSarah's response said it all. I second it all, especially the plea to change your username. You deserve better.
ReplyDeleteLots of love x x x